Beating the Heat

Every time summer rolls around, people start talking about ways to "beat
the heat." Every time Oprah rolls around, the earth's oceans slosh over.
(Depending on your taste in talk show hosts who think the world revolves
around them, you may wish to replace "Oprah" with “Rosie O’Donnell” or
“Dr. Phil” in that last semi-joke.) Anyway, here are a few tips on how
to stay cool.

We here in Maine generally do not have a problem with trying to keep
cool in the summer, as heat is not usually part of the equation. Summer
is merely a period without snow that affords myriad insects the
opportunity to hatch, suck a little blood, breed, and die. Just like
Congressmen! This, of course, would be perfectly fine if there were
fewer of them. But during the summer the mosquito population density far
exceeds the legal limit of nine thousand per square inch. Sadly, this
limit is seldom enforced since it is impossible to count mosquitoes and
still have enough blood in your veins to fill a fountain pen.

Anyway, I understand that people in other states find that it often gets
very hot. One common solution is to travel to Maine. It would probably
be easier (and less itchy) to buy an air conditioner, and recently it’s
been pretty darn steamy here anyway, although the tourist bureau can
rest assured that I would never say so.

A common mistake is going outside. Many people even deliberately seek
bright sunlight to lie in for hours, a habit known as "baking the brain"
or "flirting with skin cancer."
Then these people have the nerve to complain that it's too hot. Of
course it is! That's like complaining that you get all wet every time
you go swimming. Stop whining and go sit in front of the air
conditioner. Or come to Maine, where it’s always pleasantly cool
(Disclaimer: The Chamber of Commerce paid me to say that).

In the days before technology gave us the convenience of
ozone-depleting, Legionaire's Disease-breeding air conditioners, people
were forced to use fans. Before that, people were forced to live in
places with moderate climates where it never got very hot or very cold.
Naturally there are always contrarians, and a few people insisted on
living in the Arabian desert, wandering from oasis to oasis. They were
called "nomads," a compound word created by the joining of "no" which
means "without," and "mads" which means "brains." They probably
complained a great deal about the heat, but nobody cared. Now these
desert-dwellers have oil wells and drive around in air-conditioned Rolls
Royces and are called "sheiks," which means "not worth it."

Similarly, some other folks headed to the Arctic, where summer is never
an issue and no one ever needs a refrigerator. Of course, you must also
learn to enjoy the taste of raw whale blubber, which helps reduce
tourism greatly. Some scientists show up once in a while to measure
something or other, but scientists also are known to go inside the
craters of active volcanoes to measure something (presumably the
“something” is not their sanity). Neither destination is likely to be
called “Vacationland” anytime soon.

The Arctic serves as inspiration for one summer technique of keeping
cool, based on the principle of mind over matter. Put on a parka and
think, "I'm cold, I'm freezing cold." Soon you will collapse from heat
exhaustion, whereupon you will be rushed to a wonderfully cool,
air-conditioned hospital. See? It works!

Alternately, you can put on a fur coat, and as you walk around you will
be repeatedly doused with red paint by animal rights activists, cooling
you off. You may even get them so heated up that they begin dropping
like flies from heat stroke. This is fun to watch especially since their
ethics do not allow them to do so. They must drop like over-ripe,
organically-grown tomatoes instead.

It should be clear, then, that there are as many ways to beat the heat
as there are lunatics to dream them up. It is also clear that you would
be wise to consult someone else for ideas on how to do it. #