Humor in the Fields (Part 2)
The problem with the beer method is that woodland creatures are all hapless lushes. Putting out bowls of beer will soon make you responsible for supplying booze to a whole host of drunken squirrels, rabbits, skunks, deer, and slugs. Yes, once the word is out that you are providing free beer, critters will begin trekking to your yard to party. Things will be pretty quiet until the college students begin to arrive. Then it is time to break out the shotgun.
To avoid all of this hassle, the best thing to do is to let your garden patch grow over with weeds. Weeds are plants that are strong and vibrant and clever enough to taste terrible so no one will want to eat them. This includes your slugs, who will be forced to find food elsewhere. To insure their departure, you might try to convince your neighbors to take up gardening.
If you still insist on growing vegetables, you have one more option. Cash in you IRA and any other investments you may have, and take the money down to your local hardware store. Buy all of the insecticide, herbicide, fungicide, pesticide, and whatever else you can find that ends in "ide." Most hardware stores will offer you a special trade-in deal on your car in case you run out of money.
Take all of these hazardous chemicals home and spray them all over your garden area. I find that it is cheaper just to invite the DOE to use your yard as a disposal site for high-level nuclear waste, which has the same effect. Not only will nothing come anywhere near your yard, but you will be able to buy up all of your neighbors' lots dirt cheap to expand your little "garden." You may even get government subsidies for this.
Also, vegetables seem to thrive in this sort of environment. And remember, radioactive tomatoes have a shelf-life of over nine thousand years! Isn't it wonderful how technology can improve even the simplest task?
To avoid all of this hassle, the best thing to do is to let your garden patch grow over with weeds. Weeds are plants that are strong and vibrant and clever enough to taste terrible so no one will want to eat them. This includes your slugs, who will be forced to find food elsewhere. To insure their departure, you might try to convince your neighbors to take up gardening.
If you still insist on growing vegetables, you have one more option. Cash in you IRA and any other investments you may have, and take the money down to your local hardware store. Buy all of the insecticide, herbicide, fungicide, pesticide, and whatever else you can find that ends in "ide." Most hardware stores will offer you a special trade-in deal on your car in case you run out of money.
Take all of these hazardous chemicals home and spray them all over your garden area. I find that it is cheaper just to invite the DOE to use your yard as a disposal site for high-level nuclear waste, which has the same effect. Not only will nothing come anywhere near your yard, but you will be able to buy up all of your neighbors' lots dirt cheap to expand your little "garden." You may even get government subsidies for this.
Also, vegetables seem to thrive in this sort of environment. And remember, radioactive tomatoes have a shelf-life of over nine thousand years! Isn't it wonderful how technology can improve even the simplest task?
posted by The Uncertified Kook at 1:26 PM
1 Comments:
Humor: what we do. Satire: what we attempt. Funny: what we claim. Wit: what we require. - i like this saying; did you come up with it?
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