Lindsey goes to rehab, Paris goes to jail

Where are we going to find celebutants to obsess over? Someone tell Britney to get back on the drugs, because she'll have to carry the weight all on her own for a while. I even heard a rumor that paparazzi caused a car accident involving other paparazzi. Apparently they are reduced to stalking each other!

Paris was complaining that she is being made an example of, which would be a first, except at amateur porn conventions. Actually, she may be right, since no one seems in a hurry to put Lindsey Lohan in jail for her drunk-driving incident, despite the fact that she is under age. Does anyone remember the Bush twins' court cases? They didn't even drive under the influence, and they got busted for underage drinking. Yet Lindsey drunkenly wraps her car around a tree, commits a felony by fleeing the scene, and is found in possession of cocaine, but is not arrested. I guess she's lucky she's not a republican.

Am I implying that the justice system doesn't treat everyone the same? Nonsense. All republicans are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. And poor people. Not illegal immigrants though, but then they do tend to vote Democrat. Repeatedly.

But Hollywood may soon be running low on misbehaving starlets, so if you like to drink, dance on tables while not wearing underwear, do coke in your car, can't wait to vote for Hilary (if you voted), and keep naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, get yourself to L.A. Get your parents to reserve you a suite at Promises in advance. You'll be very successful.