Moose News

What a great country this is! Only in America
are you free to make jewelry out of gold, silver,
lobster claws, moose droppings. . . .
Some of you are thinking that something is wrong
with that last sentence. No, the dots are
called an ellipsis, a perfectly acceptable
literary device.

As for the moose droppings and lobster claws,
they are products produced by, or at least
marketed by, a company called Mainely Speaking.
Both have been made into earrings and have
become popular tourist souvenirs. (I should
point out that the lobster claws are just the
hollow shells, which probably makes them a
good deal less painful to wear.)

The moose dung idea was originated by a
Rangeley, Maine, entrepreneur who is clearly
a marketing genius. I say "Send that man
to Washington!" He would be just the kind
of guy who could make progress with the
Japanese over our trade deficit with them.
A sample negotiation might go something
like this:

Japanese Diplomat: We are sending you
300,000 more cars this year.

Rangeley Entrepreneur: Fine. We're sending
you 1,000,000 units of moose dung.

Japanese Diplomat: (sounding very worried)
Maybe we can cut a deal.

Of course, we would have to be careful
about entering the Asian market with such
a commodity as moose droppings. It would
likely become considered an aphrodisiac,
sparking a multi-million dollar illegal
moose droppings trade. Just think of it.
Moose would be captured by the dozens
and fed a diet of oat bran and high fiber
to supply the raw material for the industry.
Soon the SPCA would be running commercials
showing pathetically bloated, incontinent-
looking moose. "This is the dark side of an
industry," the voice-over would say.
"Please. Just say no to moose droppings."

But this is getting ahead of ourselves.
For now, this is just another product
with a unique, local flavor, if I can use
that expression. Of course, I'm sure
consumers will have the good taste
(oops, there I go again) not to jump
head first (yechh) into this fad without
looking carefully before they get their
feet wet(argh). If the market expands,
however, there is sure to be a profound
impact. For example, why only moose
droppings? Soon farmers may not be able
to fertilize their fields in peace.

Farmer Bob: "It doesn't matter what I
use: cow manure, pig manure, whatever.
As soon as it gets dark the poachers come
out, steal a few handfuls, and run off
into the woods. I just can't keep the
manure on the ground. I remember when
a man could feel secure that his manure
was safe on his own land."

There are sure to be repercussions among
Maine's wildlife as well. Already there
has been an alarming increase in Moose
paranoia, according to leading fictitious
animal psychiatrists. Deep in the Maine
woods moose are saying to each other:

First Moose: "Wherever I go, I just can't
shake the feeling that someone is
following me."

Second Moose: "Yeah, I keep seeing this
weird guy with a spatula. (At least I
assume that's what they use; I don't
really want to know.)

So I warn the vast American public: Take
the moose dropping industry seriously
and. . . . Hey, quit laughing. This is
a serious matter! Hey! Anyway, our local
entrepreneur is unconcerned about all
this. He's enjoying the sweet smell
of success.