How do I Invest in NASA?

I was thinking about how impossible it is to find an absolutely guaranteed investment. Any stock you might care to buy can eventually go down, usually in response to some misstep by the company, or just a rumor of one. Where can I find a stock that is 100% immune to bad news? Whose corporate officers are never fired, no matter how incompetent they prove themselves to be? Where cost overruns on new products are so commonplace that no one seems to care? Where cash infusions are always available, and no one gets in trouble just for siphoning off a few million now and then?

Then it hit me: we need to take NASA public! It has billions of dollars in future contracts (all taxpayer backed), no one ever gets fired, and a complete monopoly on its market in the US! We are always being told how important space exploration is, and how essential to humanity's future, so it must have enormous financial upside. Also, when the guys over at SETI finally manage to get ET on the phone you can bet that the merchandising tie-ins will be worth even more than the Star Wars franchise. That is, if the alien gods will still allow us to use money. And give us time off from slaving in their mines to go shopping.

In this era of forced corporate responsibility (Sarbanes-Oxley, etc.) NASA would have a huge edge. Where else can you not only go billions over budget but occasionally blow up several employees and simply say, "Oopsie." What other corporate entity could partner with Russia on building a space station, and have the media actually pretend to be surprised when the Russian equipment malfunctions, threatening the entire project, while the government provides all necessary funding to completely replace all the bad gear that any fool knew would need to be replaced from day one? No one will be fired either, thus insuring a stable corporate leadership.

Come to think of it, I don't really want to invest in NASA. I want to work for NASA. I'm not exactly a rocket scientist, but that should be close enough for government work. How soon can I get my government credit card (the one with no limit and no consequences if I decide to use it to, say, buy a Mustang convertible)?

Lindsey goes to rehab, Paris goes to jail

Where are we going to find celebutants to obsess over? Someone tell Britney to get back on the drugs, because she'll have to carry the weight all on her own for a while. I even heard a rumor that paparazzi caused a car accident involving other paparazzi. Apparently they are reduced to stalking each other!

Paris was complaining that she is being made an example of, which would be a first, except at amateur porn conventions. Actually, she may be right, since no one seems in a hurry to put Lindsey Lohan in jail for her drunk-driving incident, despite the fact that she is under age. Does anyone remember the Bush twins' court cases? They didn't even drive under the influence, and they got busted for underage drinking. Yet Lindsey drunkenly wraps her car around a tree, commits a felony by fleeing the scene, and is found in possession of cocaine, but is not arrested. I guess she's lucky she's not a republican.

Am I implying that the justice system doesn't treat everyone the same? Nonsense. All republicans are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. And poor people. Not illegal immigrants though, but then they do tend to vote Democrat. Repeatedly.

But Hollywood may soon be running low on misbehaving starlets, so if you like to drink, dance on tables while not wearing underwear, do coke in your car, can't wait to vote for Hilary (if you voted), and keep naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, get yourself to L.A. Get your parents to reserve you a suite at Promises in advance. You'll be very successful.

Why another massacre? Part 1

Since no one ever reads this page anyway, I will abandon the idea of using it to publish all the humorous short stories that I have written that no one will ever publish in conventional format. Instead I will vent my impotent rage on any damn thing I feel like, regardless of how late I am to weigh in!

Web punditry demands constant monitoring of the headlines and posting immediate moronic commentary masquerading as insight. Sadly, I am far too busy lying around watching bad TV to even notice the current headlines, much less respond to them in a timely manner.Fortunately, I am just as much of a moron as the other bloggers and commentators. Possibly more so.

Why is it that whenever the latest massacre transpires (as at Virginia Tech, if your web-induced ADD permits you to remember that far back) everyone whines and wrings their hands over how this could happen? It should be obvious, but then again, this is a country where we are constantly required to pretend that we don't know what we know, in the interest of "sensitivity," or some other version of political correctness.

This is the second generation to be inculcated from kindergarten on to believe in Darwinism. The strong survive, and the weak perish, as they are preyed on by the strong. The earlier generations only gave lip service to this ideal, since they realized that living in a society governed by such a system would be very scary to live in, especially for the people who most strenuously espouse the theory, since they are generally weak. These early proselytizers relied on the Judeo-Christian moral code that governed our society to keep them safe, while they worked tirelessly to free themselves from its constraints.

Why another massacre? Part 2

Today's youth actually believe what they have been taught, and they also practice it. Is it a surprise that there is a massive increase in the severity of bullying? Is it surprising that the bullied find a way to make themselves strong, such as picking up a gun? The strong survive, and the weak perish. All is as it should be.

Yet why are there far fewer incidents of mass murder in other countries? (It isn't stricter gun laws, since the general (non school massacre) murder rate in Russia is much greater (about 9 times!) as in the U.S., despite the fact that firearms ownership has been entirely illegal there for about 9 decades.) There is no question that they are teaching the same curriculum in the schools just about everywhere.

So what is it about America that fosters shooting sprees? Simple: we are a society taught to be victims (e.g. the police tell us to "just give him your wallet; it's not worth your life"), and further, the only thing that matters is surviving, no matter what else happens. Other societies, especially in Europe, are just as keen on telling people not to resist criminals, but few are as craven about self-preservation as we Americans are. The idea that one would flee, leaving others to be slaughtered , or even using others as a screen to cover one's escape would be viewed as the basest form of cowardice.