Humor in the Fields

Ah, gardening. You plow up a section of your yard, remove twenty-seven wheelbarrow loads of rocks, buy a truckload of topsoil, and spend the next six weeks on your knees in the dirt pulling up weeds. But it's all worth it, because in the end you have a big patch of brown dirt where there used to be grass, and one head of lettuce.

Make sure you do not harvest the lettuce, as it has a higher insect density than the board of a major oil company. Mostly these pests are slugs (in both cases), which may not technically be classified as insects, but really should be. The dictionary says they are gastropod mollusks, the same family as snails and certain seafood, which probably means you can eat them. If you like eating really gross, slimy things like tofu, you will most likely enjoy slugs. You don't have to admit to it either. Just say you like "escargot sans coquille." Yum.

If instead you decide your garden is to be kept solely as a place where you will work on developing lower-back pain and arthritis in the process of raising vegetables, stop being silly. You will never be able to grow any vegetables aside from zucchini, which is a type of inedible squash (although this is a bit redundant). But since you insist on trying, You'll have to get rid of your slugs.

One way to destroy slugs is to put salt on them. Unfortunately, this method requires you to stand sentry in your garden twenty-four hours a day with a saltshaker. This allows some people to combine their favorite hobbies: camping and gardening. Normal people look for an easier solution.

Luckily there is another way to do away with slugs. If you put out a bowl of beer (or other alcoholic beverage), the slugs will drown themselves in it. No, not like your college roommate. I mean literally. Oh, you did too, huh?